Can Self Care improve romantic relationships?

Friday, February 09, 2018

Can Self Care improve romantic relationships?

In my last post I let you in on the delightful feelings of energy, calm, connection and kindness I have cultivated toward myself through a daily practice of self care and self love. I know the term “self love” can seem super fluffy. I even hesitate to write it because it has become a buzzword and I don’t want to put you off. All I mean by self love is - not being so fucking nasty towards ourselves. It is accepting, and actually believing that we are kick-ass. That is how you shoot yourself with Cupid’s arrow.

With Valentines Day next week (which incidentally I don’t celebrate but hey, I’m drawing on the topical timing anyway!), let’s stop waiting for that pudgy, bare-bottomed, winged archery baby. Stop waiting for Mr or Mrs right to just somehow find you. Stop accepting dates you don’t even want or beating yourself up for dates you don’t have. Start being the person you are wanting to be once that partner comes along, or once your relationship is “back on track” - RIGHT NOW. Carefree, bubbly, funny, adventurous, sexy - you can be all these things already. The bonus that you’ll get from striking this loving relationship with yourself, is that your romantic relationships will fucking skyrocket or you’ll attract new ones to begin. Here are 5 ways in which my relationship with my husband has improved by believing that I am pretty damn loveable.

Joy tramples judgement

When you drop judgement for joy you rediscover oneness with yourself and with others. As a result compassion replaces attack (Gabby Bernstein). The more you release judgement of yourself the more likely you are to release judgment of others. You’ll find you become more rational and forgiving which is obviously a much more peaceful frequency to share with a partner. My husband has noticed since I am kinder to myself, my judgemental snaps, defensive put downs, unnecessary criticisms, or downright spits of venom have decreased. Of course there are times where uncomfortable feelings or disappointments are justified, but even these are now calm, constructive discussions rather than disagreements.

Confidence is sexy

The attention and listening required to develop self love inevitably teaches you masses about yourself. The more you believe in who you are, the more grounded and embodied you become. This is where confidence is born. And confidence is sexy AF. Confidence does not mean strutting about with your nose in the air, throwing caution to the wind, and speaking your mind without regard for others. It means owning your decisions and actions, both the successes and the mistakes, with candour and always in line with your values. It means embracing compliments and criticisms, and appreciating your physical self in all its imperfections. Confidence has a magnetic power of attraction. Once I stopped trying to be a chameleon, morphing into what I felt I should be (or hating myself for not being it) and grew to love just being me instead - the physical touch within my relationship has increased and intimacy becomes more intense and more potent.

Laughter is born from love

I am point blank funnier when I am loving on myself. It kind of goes without saying that I smile more, laugh more, and have way more fun within my relationship when I feel loving toward myself. But on top of that I actively SEEK the pleasure, play, and fun. I go out of my way for it. I no longer dismiss childish fun as something I don’t have time for. I loosen my grip on “sticking to the plan”. Basically I take life less seriously - and that is OK. I’ll work an extra hour in the evening so we can go for a walk together now. I’ll allow myself the extra 15 minutes in bed to just lay together and giggle. I’ll put down the dinner prep for a 30 second dance break in the kitchen. I’ll make that phone call later so we can play fight.

Compassion needs no control

When practising self compassion we let up on the need to control everything, and flow can permeate your relationship. For my husband this means less nagging, less needing to know if things have been done or when they will be done, and less questions. Not only is this less annoying for him, but it shows my trust, faith, and belief in him. This becomes a cycle of empowerment as you come to allow each other the space to flow. And when focus or immediate action is needed, we are both more willing to commit to it when we are not in a pattern of battling each other for control.

Love creates space to give

The amount of mental energy I gained back from releasing my constant self criticism and doubt has given me so much room for giving and being attentive to others. The way my husband puts it, I simply notice what is going on around me more. I am less in my head arguing with my inner bitch, so more attune and aware of the moments I am experiencing. I have always been a giving, compassionate and considerate person but it is less about particular actions of giving and more about the quality of my attention within my relationship. Attention strengthens connection and connection breeds love.

Are you in a relationship, or wishing to step into one? Who do you want to be within that relationship, and what is one thing you can do today to being being that way?

Explore my other posts | Subscribe to my newsletter |

comments powered by Disqus